


Try to be kind to yourself

by Banashee



Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo [12]
Category: Marvel, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Incredible Hulk (2008)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Things Happen Bingo, Bruce & Hulk Interaction, Bruce Banner Has Issues, Bruce Banner Needs a Hug, Gaslighting, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Team as Family, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:00:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24590455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Banashee/pseuds/Banashee
Summary: Bruce has his issues with Hulk. It all gets worse over the years, and Bruce is exhausted and at a loss. When he finally is in a safe place, he seeks help for it and learns a thing or two about himself in the process.*+~Part 12 of my Bad Things Happen Bingo: "Gaslighting"
Relationships: Bruce Banner & Hulk, Bruce Banner & Thor, Bruce Banner & Tony Stark
Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1701046
Comments: 6
Kudos: 40
Collections: Bad Things Happen Bingo





	Try to be kind to yourself

**Author's Note:**

> Hi,  
> so, because I love a good writing challenge, I'm now taking a part in the Bad Things Happen Bingo.  
> https://badthingshappenbingo.tumblr.com/  
> Please mind the tags!
> 
> I'm cross-posting this to my tumblr, https://banashee.tumblr.com
> 
> This is my twelvth square: "Gaslighting".

****

**Try to be kind to yourself**

Bruce is running. He’s been running for a very long time, and he isn’t entirely sure if he only runs from Ross, the life he’s trying to leave behind and all the hurt - or if he is running from himself and the destruction he is capable of. The latter, he will always carry with him, no matter how far he makes it and Bruce is well aware of that.

He can’t get rid of himself and he hates himself for it. 

He hates Hulk for being there, stuck with him and in him.

“Stop it! Stop hurting people!” Bruce is yelling at his reflection in the mirror, skin slick with sweat and his hands shaking. He hasn’t really slept in weeks, and if it wasn’t for the other guy, he probably would have dropped dead by now. He kinda hates him for that, too - for keeping him alive just to cause chaos and fear. 

In response, Bruce can see his eyes turn green immediately - it’s too bright, to acidic, to be anything natural. Hulk roars inside of him, tearing at his organs and his skin, desperate to come out. Bruce wants to keep a tight hold on himself, but Hulk has other plans.

He changes right then and there, and then Hulk smashes right through the wall, running off into the night. Someone is screaming in fear as their house suddenly is met with flying rubble in the middle of the night.

“Stop it, you monster!” Bruce keeps thinking over and over in his head, but he is not the one in control right now, and soon his consciousness disappears for who even knows how long.

When he wakes up, he does so in the middle of nowhere and a tight fear in his chest. Even though he can’t see anything, he is sure that there is new blood on his hands, and he hates Hulk, hates himself just a little more. 

*+~

“You are only ever hurting people!” Bruce wants to say out loud, but doesn’t. He can’t, because right now, he is stuck on the inside while Hulk walks free as he pleases.

"Hulk protect.” the big guy growls, as he pushes aside a solid brick wall like it’s nothing. They are on the run - again. 

Bruce would have hoped he’d be somewhat safe here. But then Ross had turned up, and things have gotten ugly in record time. Hulk made an appearance and he hasn’t left since - he runs, faster and further than Bruce ever could on his own, and he breaks a lot of things in the process. Desperately, he tries to avoid thinking of the scared and shocked people who have the misfortune to cross his way.

Hulk is angry, and he is scared. He wants to protect himself, wants to protect Bruce, even though he resents him. Everything and everyone in his way is a threat, and Hulk treats them as such.

On the inside, Bruce wants to scream and claw his way out, but he can’t.

When he is back to himself many hours later, he will hate himself just as much as Hulk does - all he does is cause fear and destruction, after all.

*+~

Part of him didn’t think it would work out, but at this point, Bruce is desperate. He has long reached his personal breaking point, and he just can’t take it anymore.

The self hatred, his fear and loneliness, the exhaustion and the hatred for the other guy, it eats him up on the inside. 

Bruce wakes up one morning, deciding it will be his last.

But when he stands on a mountain top with a beautiful view in front of him, he is too tired to pay it any attention. He collects his last bit of energy for this, and soon, he shoots the bullet - only for the other guy to spit it back out in a cold rage.

*+~

Things get considerably worse after this. 

Bruce lives on the run for years, never staying anywhere for long enough to be known. He moves among people, and helps them with whatever illnesses and injuries he can, and they know and appreciate him for this. But no one really _knows_ him. It suits him fine - less potential for lethal damage or heartbreak that way.

But Hulk holds a grudge against him for his attempt to end his, their life.

“Hulk protect! Banner hurt!” he keeps growling, but Bruce won’t hear it.

“No! You are the one who destroyed those buildings! You killed those people!” Bruce tells him, furiously. But as much as he hates Hulk for everything, he doesn’t want to look in the mirror anymore. And so he keeps running, keeps doing what he does - that is, until Agent Natasha Romanoff tracks him down in Calcutta and bring him back to New York, where much, much bigger things are happening. 

“You saved my life.” Tony tells him later, and it’s the first time Bruce has been hugged by someone in a very long time. His skin feels like it’s tingling with the sensation of human contact, but he wants to melt into the touch. 

He doesn’t quite believe it yet, but everyone keeps telling him the same thing.

Even more surprisingly, Bruce walks away from the probably messiest week of his entire life, which is saying something, not only with a group of highly skilled people who have his back, but also a satisfied hum in the back of his mind. Hulk is happy - but part of Bruce still can’t believe that he’s good for anything but destruction. A lot of aliens are dead because of him - but Bruce doesn’t dare count the human lifes that are lost due to him. 

Hulk grows restless again, and then they’re back to their old patterns very soon.

*+~

Bruce sits in a chair that should be comfortable, but isn't really. He’s too tense, fumbling on the hem of his shirt while talking. The edges are already frayed and he is pulling out loose threads, but he can’t stop. Bruce is anxious as it is, and he needs to do something. 

Talking about these things isn’t easy and if he’s entirely honest with himself, he didn’t think he’d have to deal any of it again anytime soon. 

Bruce is good at ignoring things that hurt him - especially if it is no one else but himself that he ends up hurting in the first place. 

He runs a hand through his already messy hair, taking off his glasses and wipes them on his shirt, furiously. Then he just stops, staring ahead and at a loss for any more words. He barely resists cleaning his glasses again just to do something.

The gray haired woman sitting in the chair opposite him takes this as an opportunity to talk. She is holding onto a clipboard in one hand, pen resting in the other. There are faint bite marks on the end of the pen - Bruce focuses on those instead of her face. He thinks it’s interesting, that even a Therapist can have any nervous ticks. 

“Bruce, have you ever looked at what you just told me from an outsider's perspective?” she asks, and he shakes his head no with a short laugh.

“Not really. I don’t even like thinking about it from my own perspective.” After a short beat of silence, he continues, “I don’t get along very well with myself - or Hulk for that matter. However you wanna look at it. I’m trying to be better, to not hurt anybody or destroy anything. But I always do. And it’s bothering me.” he admits, unable to resist the urge to keep fumbling nervously with his hands any longer - he’s lasted a full minute. 

“You see, that is your main problem I think. You said earlier, that you hate yourself and that you hate Hulk just as much, if not more. You try to be better to those around you, but have you tried to be kind to yourself? Have you tried to be kind to Hulk?”

This is the first time Bruce actually looks up and right into his Therapists face. She has gentle and understanding eyes behind those garishly colorful glasses he notices, and is completely at a loss. He wants to answer “Yes” desperately, but he knows it would be a lie. Mutely, he shakes his head. 

Dr. Rivera waits for him to say anything, but she doesn’t. So she continues, 

“Since the two of you share a body, things might be a little more complicated, I understand that. But it also means that you have been unnecessarily cruel to yourself and to Hulk. He wants to help, even when it is in his own destructive way. He protects the both of you, and he tries to protect other people as well, in any way he knows how. And so do you, and you end up fighting yourself half the time rather than any outside threat.”

It is true, and Bruce knows it. He hates the fact that this is true, but he can’t deny it - that’s not the point of him being here. 

“All I can do is try and stay away from people and just help when I can - keeping my distance if possible - they get hurt less that way. But Hulk doesn’t and it’s just - he breaks things. People. All he can do is hurt people, and I don’t want this. Because he is me, and I am him. I’m tired of it. I’m just- so tired.”

Bruce is defeated, and it shows. He wants to crawl back into bed and not deal with anything anymore. But that won’t help him in the long run - he knows this. It’s the very reason he decided to get help in the first place, now that he is safe and protected by SHIELD and most of all the other Avengers - they’d hate to know how little he thinks of himself. They love both him and Hulk, and Bruce doesn’t understand why. He is happy and grateful for the support nonetheless. 

It is on this very same day that Bruce looks at his situation this way. If Dr. Rivera had not pointed it out to him, he’d have never applied it to himself.

Gaslighting. 

He hates that word with a passion, because it is just what his father did to him and to Mom all those years ago, and it makes his skin crawl. 

But it is essentially what he did to Hulk - to himself - for a very long time. Twisting and turning intentions, implanting a false narrative until neither he or Hulk knew the truth anymore. As a result, they kept fighting each other half the time and deep down, Bruce knows that this is likely a big part of the reason why Hulk hates his guts so much. Not surprising, given that Bruce can barely stand himself on a good day. 

He wants to laugh hysterically and curl up somewhere and cry both at the same time. But as it is, he thinks back carefully, and his hands keep pulling out the loose threads from his shirt again. 

When he walks back to the tower later that evening, Bruce is exhausted. He can tell that Hulk is twitchy in the back of his mind and he really hopes that he won’t cause a Code Green that night. He is planning to sleep in the secured room in the back of his apartment tonight, just in case - just in case he needs to be stopped.

There is a long way to go for both of them and he knows it. Dr. Rivera’s words echo back in his head - “Try to be kind to yourself. Try to be kinder to Hulk.” and he knows she is right, but he is not willing to risk the safety of anyone else to do so - he’ll lock himself up. Just for tonight, he tells Hulk in his head, and he growls unhappily in response.

But when he steps out of the elevator, he is greeted with,

“Brucie, there you are! You’re just in time for movie night!” and an arm snaked around his waist. He finds himself unable to resist, and Tony simply pulls him over to the enormous couch, dumps him on an empty spot next to Thor and then settles down on his other side. 

Bruce finds that he doesn’t mind that at all, and even the Hulk stopped growling now. He’s not… Happy exactly, but definitely calmer than he had been just a minute ago.

Maybe, just maybe this “be nice to yourself” thing is doable - it looks like it might be, as long as he’s got help. 

Bruce nods off before the first movie even ended, and when he wakes up again in the middle of the night, he is cocooned in soft blankets and with warm and strong arms wrapped around him in a hug. He can feel the ends of Thor’s glorious beard lightly poking the top of his head and for once, he lets himself enjoy the sensation of being held. 

Everything else he can sort out over time, he thinks, and falls right back asleep. 

  
  
  
  


*+~

Square: "Gaslighting"

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings:
> 
> \- Mental health issues  
> \- Suicidal thoughts  
> \- Attempted suicice, not very graphic  
> \- Self hatred  
> \- Gaslighting  
> \- References to past child abuse


End file.
